#20

Addendum: What We Learned
1. Avoid I-10
a.) If you don’t, treat the very, very nice Border Patrol Agents with respect.
2. If you have 4–wheel drive, RTFM.
3. If at all possible, always take the long way.
4. Cars with suicide doors are great for peeing if you really have to go and there is
really no other option and it’s still 25 miles to, say, Artesia, New Mexico.
5. Cheesy music is allowed- even desirable- if not essential, on a road trip.
6. Don’t trust cute little Irish junkies with big blue eyes (complete with dilated pupils)…
7. There aren’t actually as many Starbucks as everyone thinks there are (where the fuck my Starbucks be at, betch?) Viva la Starbucks!
8. We got rainbows, whatchu got, bitch? BTW, we are the motherfuckin’ Pot Of Gold.
9. When in doubt, do it for the lulz.
10. When your friends are being cock-blockers…there’s always the bathroom.
11. Three degrees is motherfucking COLD.
12. Even if you get the red squiggly…just pull your poetic license and show it to the Border Guard saying you’re Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
13. Do NOT stop by the creepy van beside the road along the coast, even if your roommate says, “C’mon, where’s your sense of adventure?’
14. Pink carnations are the two-bit whores of flora.
15. Do NOT take your new girlfriend to the Stinking Rose in North Beach where you took all your ex-girlfriends.
16. That a five-letter word can be spelled with three Zs and one vowel.
17. If you had just One Question to ask god, it should be, “Why are you such a bitch?”
18. Beware buzz-killing pseudo-hippies who are overly concerned about footprints on their carpet.
19. Buy beer before you get too deep into East Texas.
20. Tom Waits really does sound like The Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz.
21. They’re not so much rules as they are guidelines…